Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Reivew: Duke Nukem Forever

When anyone does a review for a video game they usually finish the game completely before they make any judgment about said game. Also everyone reviewing games will usually play it on its regular difficulty.  I usually do the same thing, but in the case of Duke Nukem Forever, I could not.  With this game I only managed make it to the second boss fight before I got frustrated with the controls and the wait time it took to reload the check points after I died.  Therefore I played the game on the easiest setting and I’m not even sure if I got half way through before I got totally frustrated. So keep this in mind as I rip this game to shreds.
For anyone who has no clue who Duke Nukem is, he is a cigar smoking, beer chugging, save the world by yourself kind of guy. The previous games in the franchise had Duke saving the world from aliens with over the top action, completely insane weapons, foul language and tasteless comedy. Everything you would want in a game right?  It has been twelve years since the last Duke Nukem game has been out, so everyone was either waiting for this game to fall into the shitter or be like the other games we remember. Well, I think we got both outcomes. 
The beginning of the game leaves us off in an updated fight with the Cycloid Emperor from Duke Nukem 3D. Only to find out afterwards it was Duke playing the game with two naughty school girls giving him a blowjob as he played and asking him if the game was as good as the blowjob. His reply, “After twelve fucking years it better be good”. Well, Duke I hate to tell you, but this game fucking sucks! So, after this scene ends, we find out that aliens again have shown up on earth, but aren’t really doing anything and the president is asking Duke not to go out and smash their faces in just in case they are here for peace instead of revenge for the last time Duke kicked the shit out of them.  So after a bit of classic Duke comedy the aliens end up attacking and Duke is forced to start ripping out their spines.
This game has exactly what you would think would be in it. There are all the familiar guns like the devastator and the comedy is just as repulsive and funny as it always has been. Only problem is that these are the best parts of the game.  They also put in little, what I like to call, “brain games”, where they make you try to figure out how to doors open with a little thinking. This is all well and good if the controls weren’t so damn touchy.  Oh, and god forbid if you die. If you die in this game you will be waiting about 30-45 seconds to reload the check point. Every time I died in this game I dreaded the load time. It was so bad I actually just turned off the game instead of waiting. This load time also occurs every time you start a new chapter in the game as well.
Now, Duke Nukem Forever has multiplayer which I played about three minutes of, so I can’t really give it an honest review. Ah, fuck it. I can give it an honest review. This multiplayer fucking sucks ass! It has the same game modes as most first person shooters like team death match and their own version of capture the flag called capture the babe, which just replaces the flag with a chick.  The biggest problem with the multiplayer was the fact that I could never find a full game. The most people I found in one game were four, and it was an unbalanced four people too. It was me against these other four players, and it’s pretty hard play a game of capture the babe when I have no fucking teammates! I did try to play a free-for-all match but quit out of boredom and the time limit was TWENTY fucking minutes! Why would they make one match that damn long?!
When it comes to controls, this game has the same button lay out as most first person shooters. The biggest problem is that when running around, it still feels like direction controls from 1996, super loose with a floating feeling even though they added footsteps. The hit detection is also an issue. Usually when you shoot a shot gun it kills or hits everything within a five foot radius right? Not in this game though. I found myself not getting any kind of hits on enemies even if they were running directly at me while I backpedaled for my life. I also had the same issues with hit detection with the melee attacks not registering when I punched an enemy.
If this game wasn’t a Duke Nukem game, it would be the worst game of the year if not the decade but, it is Duke Nukem. Look, if we go back and look at the other two Duke games, they suck ass too and this game is exactly like those games.  I’m not sure what people were expecting this game to be exactly. But I do know for a fact that this game was going to suck complete hippo ass and was going to be somewhat fun to play because there is a dumb, perverted thirteen year old in all of us that love the crude humor and the BOOBIES!!!! Only problem is that the group of people who used to love Duke Nukem aren’t thirteen anymore. So, by all means, if you are a Duke Nukem fan, go out and buy this terrible piece of shit. It’s a reminder that we can all love some games from our childhood and that’s where they should stay, in our childhood.

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