Saturday, June 11, 2011

Bull Shit Diaries, Entry 2, Ridiculous Achievements

Dear Bull Shit Diary,

On February 1, 2007 Microsoft announced that every retail disc based game had to have 1000G unlock able in their games. In the beginning, game studios made them easy to acquire by just finishing levels, or just finishing the game. Others made it even easier. For example Avatar: The Burning of the Earth has only five total achievements and you can earn all of them by achieving one 50 hit counter! 
So, needless to say, Studios began making more achievements with more fun ways of getting them and some took it a step further by making some of them a waste of time and some ALMOST FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE!
I know a gamer score doesn’t mean anything in the real world. I also know that getting achievements shouldn’t be the easiest thing either. Achievements make the games replayable and give a player something to strive for. But when developers put achievements in games that are super hard and only give little points or they make them so they are almost impossible that you want to throw your controller through the T.V. and throw your XBOX out the window! Keep reading to know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Look at Dead Rising.  All of the achievements in that game are 20 points. Fair enough right? Wrong! You get the same amount of points for easy shit as you do hard shit! You get 20 points for the free fall achievement which requires the player to just fall 16 feet. But you only get 20 points for the 7 Day Survivor achievement which requires playing the game for 14 hours straight! No saving! That is such a dumb fucking achievement to begin with, but if they wanted to make is one at least give it 100 points, not fucking 20!
And don’t get me started with Guitar Hero 3. Now I have no problem with them putting in the Enlightened Guitarist achievement at all. This achievement requires the player gold starring 20 songs on expert. That means not missing one single note on 20 songs and on the hardest difficulty. That is an achievement that you can show off to your buddies which says you have little too no life.  But to make it only worth 30 points is fucking insane! They give you the same 30 points for gold starring five songs on hard, ON HARD! The same amount of points for an easier task!
Even arcade games are getting into the mix here. Bejeweled 2’s Endless Mode achievement requires a player to reach 280 levels and you only get 10 fucking points! How many people can say they even got to 100 levels let alone 280? Give the people who did it more than 10 lousy points!
I myself have a conspiracy theory when it comes to really, really shitty games. I think that some developers who know their games are going to suck put achievements that require players to play these games for certain lengths of time. Take Brothers in Arms for example. This game is plain and simple shit! And if anyone wants to argue with me about this is in denial. This game is so fucking bad they had to put an achievement called Obsessive and its worth 100 points. To get this achievement the player must play this shitty fucking game once a day for 100 days. ONE HUNDRED DAYS, That is a bunch of dick farting bull shit! That’s more than three months of playing. Some people don’t even play really good games that long let alone a piece of shit game! This game also has seven achievements that are worth 0 points. Why the fuck would they even put them in the game then! This game is complete bull shit!
Now when it comes to games with nearly impossible achievements Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfare take the mother fucking cake! That game has two achievements in particular that drive me fucking nuts. The first one is the Solo Champion achievement and it’s only worth 32 points. To acquire this achievement the player has to climb to the top of the solo leader board. Now how many people have ever climbed to the top of a fucking leader board! No one with a real life as even tried to get to the top of a leader board. And the worst achievement in this game by far is the Work Champion achievement. This requires a player to climb to the top of the Universal Leader Board and they only get 40 points. THE UNIVERSAL LEADER BOARD for fucks sake! This is pretty much impossible for everyone expect for the three or four losers out there that battle for the top spot. 
So in the future, we should all hope that developers will look back on their mistakes of torturing us players who strive to get their 1000 gamer points in each game by not making them impossible or not even worth going after.

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